i should have just said i needed to go to bed
working in 2 hours and 10 mins
two giant steps back in two different directions

can we squeeze 36 hours into each of the next 5 days??
please.

failure
i feel awful

homesick

i miss the trees and the stars
maybe my mom a little too

lost of travel
2 spottings of the capitol building
1 of the washington monument
lots of talk about facilitating a focus group
met several very neat women from around the country
and now i a home again, home againg, jiggity jig

i hope the sun shines for a long time today.

i want to linger a little longer, a little longer her with you

i feel like i am going to a big empty house for the summer.
feeling completely unmotivated to pack and head out.

It's Alex's birthday today.
No one has said anything.
Even me.
I can't. I don't want to be a sad reminder of the fact that they are gone.
Mom and I went out with Grandma to celebrate her 86th birthday today.
On the way home I picked up some flowers, and stopped at the cemetery.
I had a little chat with Alex, paced in the wet grass for a bit, and talked about my life.
I miss them.

refreshed

SPRING!
Feeling positive, and productive.
Want to do a million things!

i hate money
I hate money.
I HATE MONEY!

I wanna go on road trips with my bffl.
I wanna volunteer at Camp Ten Trees.
I wanna see the Indigo Girls.

Lamefaces.
I don't like being an adult.
I don't like knowing what I need to do.
I wanna do what I wanna do.

Making money will make the fall easier, and possible.
FALL FALL FALL!

Been thinking about this on and on since yesterday.

When I pulled up to Nettleton to go to Girl Scouts there were police cars all around, and police officers on every corner. I parked two houses away from the school and didn't know if I should even get out of my car. I counted 13 police cars from the seat in my car and called Jamie, who couldn't answer cause she was in the school. She sent a text message saying she was in the Art Room, the school was in lock down, and she didn't know what was going on. After deciding it was probably okay to get out of my car, a reading assistant from the school and I asked the group of officers on the corner what was going on and they said there had been a bogus call and they were checking kids cellphone numbers, but it would be a while before we could get back in the school. Well a while was only like 45 seconds, and they let us in after a few stops on the way to the door and and questions of "Who are you?". We could see 20 total police vehicles, including a few unmarked on the way in.

Story in the News Tribune

Jamie was telling me about what went on in the art room, which faces the circle and main door of the school. She said some of the kids saw the police pull up and get out of their cars with big machine like guns. She also said the Art teacher was really good and answered a few questions telling the kids the police were there to keep the school safe, and then continued with the art lesson.

Jamie and I waited for our next GS time and talked about the happenings, like how did they know it was a bogus call...though this is when we thought it was a threat call. We both felt a little shaky.

I've been feeling pretty angry about it. Nettleton is such a good school, with all it's emphasis on peace. It just bothers me that because a kid fucked up that safe space may not feel as safe for some of the kids. I know some of those kids have icky home situations and I just hate to think that a place they think of as safe, now seems less so. Maybe kids don't see it that way though. The school seemed to be handling it really well, Of course they are, Steph Heilig is the principal.

One of the after school GS was telling me about how she was on the playground when it happened and a police officer was on the other side of the fence with a big gun telling the kids to move to one end. Also, big guns, scare me. I know it was the police and they were doing their job and doing it very well, but what a way to be scary.

I guess I am just feeling very anti-violence and anti-gun right now. More than usual, even though no one was hurt, to a new extreme. Maybe I am still a little shaken.


On a good note for yesterday between the morning events and afternoon Girl Scouts I found The Reader Weekly and one of the after school GS was on the cover. I felt like the picture fit with how I was feeling about the day.

Our power came back Wednesday morning.

Our heat, and light source for two days and nights.

I've realized how much I take having heat, water, and light for granted.
I don't really mind the no lights part of things...at least for a while.

one evening of no power = kind of nice, just a little cold
two evenings, one night, 1.5 days, and the possibility of another full night of no electricity = an anna feeling uninspired to drive home

i miss being able to poop in my own house

oh baby refrain from breakin' my heart!

This evening = AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL!

Had dinner with Rachel U at Perkins.
Had a great talk about the giant elephant in the room.
Sat for hours, playing cribbage and having good conversation.
She's one of the good guys.

It also took us 1 hour and 45 mins to get home after getting back to TH from Duluth, because we needed to take pictures around town.
: )

all you get is a mouth full of blood

a lazy sunday morning
wishing i had
a movie about a brave little toaster
hurumph...

things to note...

To get my through today...

Also...
It's now official.

: )

i'm tired of singing ooooooOOOOOOOoooooo!

good things...
pink toe nails
prospective plans with my kala
mates of state "running out"
knowing i can call karen at 7:10am and she will have a 2 hour breakfast to process with me
feeling good about things even though i am sad
viola tricolor

things coming to what feels like an end.
i guess who knows?
things could change....maybe.

relationships changing into something new,
something good?

"i've always been good at holding on tight, now i'm not much for letting go"
- Rachael Kilgour "Sorry"

I'm all done!
DONE! DONE! DONE!
DOOBIE, DOOBIE, DONE!
: )

DONE.

bed, bed, bed

i really need to figure out this sleep thing
i haven't been sleeping very good the last few weeks
either i fall asleep early and wake up around 12 needing to wrap some things up
or i wake up to early in the morning and i have strange/icky dreams and i'm 1/2 awake the rest of the morning.

and february was so long, that it lasted into march

craving an end to winter
to lay in the grass
and tromp in the mud
a satisfying "squish"

I think i have many souls, well several. A few. My spring soul is waiting, and anticipating her break out. She was fooled by those drippy days where we could see grass, just a few weeks ago. She rests under a garden, a bed of yellow tulips and waits until the ground unfreezes and the flower buds peek above ground. That little taste of spring woke her early and now she is waiting. Feeling impatient, with the cold almost unbearable for her. Feeling like a kindergartener on their nap time mat, awake but forced to wait. Hoping that the teacher will pick them to be the wake up fairy, or for even just that little tap on the shoulder that means they can get up, put their mat away, and move on to the next thing.

"and i said "what's a crocus?",
and you said "it's a flower." "

I got perfect scores on 2/5 of my GED tests. True it was real easy, but i'm excited!

I have 3 more tests to go. Writing (the one I am the most worried about) is this coming Tues, and math and reading are March 3rd. I think I may need to brush up on my math skills this next week, too!

They removed my aunts cyst and tumor from her falopian tubes. She is going to start treatment in a few weeks, probably some kind of chemo. She has to get a colonoscopy in 3 weeks to check out some polyps. Hopefully all ends up well.

Today was nice. I had a grown up lunch and shopping meeting with Miss Westerlund in Hinckley. I like driving and not feeling strained by time, turning up the music and stretching my vocal chords. Driving to work, I am always worried I might be late, driving home I am always real tired and just want to be home. I also tend to be about 15 mins late, so I always feel stressed driving. It was nice to not be for once. I need to work on that whole being on time thing. Eh.

Roundelay has been going in and out of heat. She's a becoming a grown lady cat. Though you wouldn't know it from her size, she is still just a tiny thing. She is also a terror. I woke up this morning and the contents of the closet in the computer room was spread all over the floor. I don't know how she made such a mess! She also enjoys pulling things apart and knocking things (usually breakable) over.

you miss news when you lack time at home

dad just told me...













My godmother and favorite aunt has cancer in her fallopian tubes. They will know more, like how bad it is, in about a week. I am scared and sad. That word freaks me out. I am hoping that is all it will be, a word. A word that will not harm my aunts spirit, or life.

kiss me goodbye, i'm defying gravity!

I am feeling really great.
Really productive about many things.
I wanna do so many things, and get so many things done.
GED IS IN SIGHT!
mmhmmm!
: )

signed her letters with Xs and Os

Evie's 25th birthday is today. It's late and I am awake, thinking, making, and wasting the night. I have to work at 7 but my body doesn't want to sleep at all.

I can hardly remember them. Though I remember I loved them. I still come across times that I wonder who I would have been had they been around. Though I guess I shouldn't dwell on that. Mom has told me Evie loved to sing, but was tone deaf. She clogged, read Boxcar Children, and Babysitters Club, listened to Pam Tillis, Trisha Yearwood, and Seal. She played French Horn, let me sleep on the floor next to her bed when I couldn't sleep. She was my introduction to Girl Scouts and Camp Roundelay. My loverly, loverly sister.

I am grateful for the sisters I have come upon.The ones I met in kindergarten, and the sisters I have just begun to know. The one who shares a birthday with my genetic sister, and who has a special place in my heart. The sisters who have inauguration day lunch with me, the ones who are too too far away (if you ask me). And the sisters with whom I lack communication, but still love. I'm a lucky girl.

I'm so excited.

I had a real good birthday. Lots of birthday wishes at work, including being serenaded over the walkies by my manager. Rachel took me out to dinner and we spent the weekend together. There was a nice little Troll party at Tiko's with camp people, which was quite loverly and full of Trolls, Wii, and Whoonu?.

I ATE CAKE IN MY JAMMIES!
(that's the first one in 3 years that hasn't said and em :()

On the way home Sunday night all I could think about was my friendship with Rachel U. I want to be her friend, but can I be friends with someone who thinks I should have less rights than her? How were we so close for so long and I never knew. It's just been dragging on me. I know it's corny, but I just kept listening to "Begin Again" by Ellis. "Can I let myself reveal all the feelings I have, that I can't ignore?" There is part of me that is totally confident I want and could be her friend and then another that feels like I would be too bothered and hurt.

I'm having trouble with Wells Fargo again. I hate money. Whenever I seem to have enough, something goes wrong. It's a resolution of mine to be real good with money. I've been writing down every little bit I spend. I'm going to need to do some babysitting Saturday to make up for the fact that I only have 10 hours at ON next week, but I like watching those little babes. I'm also selling some clothes on the internets.

If only I could grow a marshmallow tree and sell those.

I was nineteeeeeen!

Mom, Dad, and I went to Ely and purchased a pair of mukluks. They pretty much feel like slippers. My dad paid for half for my birthday present in the end, or I guess my parents as a unit did, which was real nice of them. The ride was beautiful, with the thick woods and the snow covered trees, and no fighting. The horizon on the ride home was also beautiful, the outline of the trees, the sunset, it was wonderful. I want to go back up to Ely and maybe spend a day or two, stay in the Motel that advertises color TV, and phones in every room, and explore. I also want to go to the Boundary Waters this summer.

My parents then took me and my grandma out for a fancy pants dinner at the Scenic Cafe for my birthday. I had yummy butternut squash ravioli! OM NOM NOM NOM!!!

It was a real good quiet, fun family day.
Tomorrow work, and then a birthday date!

HOLIDAZZLE IN MY SOUL!

Christmas with the Lieffring's was one of the best in years. It was strange without my aunt Jeanie there, she had to work this year. She usually keeps the chatter and volume up, so it was rather quiet and gossip free.

On the drive away from family and off to Duluth to go to a movie that night I just cried. Something inside of me just broke. My aunts asking what was new with me and how much I wanted to say I've been dating someone and I really like her and all that jazz, but nope. The only thing new with me is I work at Old Navy. Then my aunt told me I should visit my cousin Staci when I am in Minneapolis, cause she hangs out with a lot of cute boys. I just wanted to be able to say something, anything about my life without fear of a bad reaction. I guess maybe that means it's time to come out of the coat closet to my family. Eh?

Carlson Christmas was loverly as always. I learned how to play cribbage!

I miss outreach GS, we haven't had it for 2 weeks because of the Holiday and I need some fun work in my life. Old Navy is fine, but it sometimes sucks my soul. My hours are low because of the time of year, which makes the money situation stink even more. Maybe I will sell my life on Ebay.

I had a lovely low-key new years night with Anna(Page). We made some eats and watched Margaret Cho. I also had New Years breakfast with Katie(Pike) and I forget how much I like that girl. We just talked for an hour, which could have easily been longer had I not needed to hit the road to get to work.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!